3am

by lemonaide

            “sometimes, we don’t know how deeply we feel things until there’s nothing left to do but feel. and we feel in fragments, not quite coherent but it’s there like a jigsaw puzzle we need to piece together”

             there are many thoughts running through my mind as i continue to stare at the ceiling. that’s all i ever seem to do as the days pass by in a blur. i kept thinking of things i never thought mattered. things that i used to hold close to my heart. things that i staked my entire being on and never noticed until i am stagnant and i only ever have to face myself. 

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               i don’t know why i feel the need to spread and attach my essence in everything i do and like. but that’s a very human thing to do, no? give your entirety to everything and get hurt. rinse and repeat. we have so much love to give and it shows. 

i’m tired of leaving pieces of me in moments i can never take back. 

                 i cry for the moments i can never travel back to and relive. maybe i’ll look at the words i read and the pictures i have saved, looking fondly as i recall who i was when i first encountered them. maybe the day would come when a glance back wouldn’t leave a sense of deep yearning. but i would always find myself wishing to go back. wishing that i could stay in that moment. 

everything is bound to end. but let me hold onto this for now. let me have this moment before saying goodbye. let me memorize every line, every emotion, every love that they give, and i’ll add it to the pile of things i can never go back to. 

i’m going to be a memory someday. maybe in the future, i’ll be one of those moments that i stacked away— hidden in a box, a chip, or a notebook. only to be found on a sunday filled with nostalgia. 

                     time. time used to be something i never noticed. or well, i never gave it too much thought. just as the earth rotates around its axis and the days just are. until we are jarred by the sudden halt, we only notice how time really flies. 

at the end of the day, it’s in the silence of the night that i wish i can still with time. and that time would also stay still.